A ROSE FOR
So there goes my thesis about Daniel being maybe, possibly less of a huge misogynist. It was short-lived. This week everyone else has paired off, so he’s the wild card as three women vie for his attention.
“I feel like King Kong. I’ve got girls that want my rose tonight, and only one of them’s gonna get it. I’ve got power like the Pope.”
– Daniel, not quite understanding what Popes do
Sarah bakes Daniel a half-birthday cake and calls him “daddy.” Daniel says this is naughty, she should put a “big one” in his mouth, and wants to be spanked. What I’ve decided is that Daniel wants to be Tobias Bluth, which was also my childhood dream. Sarah asks him if he would lick frosting off her body, and he gives a lukewarm maybe and asks if she’s showered. After this exchange Sarah says she’s pretty confident, thereby confirming she is still the 9th most self-deluded person in ‘Paradise’ because let’s be real, there is a lot of self-delusion.
Emily drops about 40 F-bombs as she attempts to pimp out her twin sister to Daniel in demanding she kiss him. The thought of pressing her lips to his is so horrifying that it induces Haley to cry actual tears. When she sputters out an agreement through her weeping, Emily claps excitedly.
Ashley then goes to talk to him. He literally tells her to “slut it up.” He then goes on to comparing sleeping with a virgin to winning a battle at Vietnam, which tells me he definitely watched a different version of Full Metal Jacket from the rest of us.
Ultimately, he picks the twins for reasons that aren’t hard to guess. Ashley gives a keening cry that the sound mixers in Jurassic World 2 will likely use and escapes being booted from ‘Paradise’ through sheer force of will.
CAILA ON A BOAT
Then Brett the Lamp Guy shows up to ask Caila out. Jared pulls a strong move by saying he doesn’t want her to go, but it’s not his place to make that decision and he’ll support her even if she does. (Can I light a blog post on fire?) Caila responds to this supportive yet declarative statement by flip flopping more times than Andy Samberg on a boat, though maybe it’s just her voluminous hair catching the wind like a sail.
Let me provide Caila’s side of the dialogue from the two conversations she has with Jared and Brett, edited for clarity.
I don’t know.
I know what I’m going to do. I’ll stay.
I think so.
You were really clear and I feel really bad because i just feel unclear.
I mean, I like you, but I dunno.
I think I’m gonna stay here.
I feel like I’m really just unsure, and…
Because he told me before if you feel like you need to go, you should.
Let’s go on this date. I want to go on this date.
Wait, no. No, I don’t think I’m gonna go. I’m gonna stay.
That’s my M.O.
I think I’m gonna stay.
You wanna go on this date?
Yeah, I’m gonna go on the date. Yeah.
Yeah, let’s do it. Okay.
Not since farmer Chris Soules mumbled his way through a mouth full of pie have I seen such incredible articulation and poignant eloquence. She took indecision to such fantastical levels I want to build a shrine to it. I immediately called my sister to tell her I found her Bachelorette spirit animal and her name is Caila.
While on her booze cruise date, Caila actually tells Brett she was thinking about Jared the entire time, which is not the response you want after you try and give her a lap dance.
HE’S JUST NOT THAT NOT INTO YOU
“All because of somebody walking by and based on how they look. She’s just gonna throw all of that out. Throw it all away. Just break my heart and crush me.”
Izzy starts to doubt her relationship with Vinny after she sees Brett because he is exactly her type. Yes, that is Brett, from Andi’s season, the one who brought a lamp to distract from the fact that he was all business in the front and party in the back. In the greatest upset of all upsets, we know him as Brett the Lamp Guy and not Brett the Hairdresser with a Mullet Guy.
The Vinny-Izzy relationship cracks apart, casting doubts on all. In the second supposedly solid Day One relationship, Grant declares his love for Lace, but she’s incapable of fully reciprocating. I don’t know who to sympathize with. On one hand, the men have put themselves out there, pursuing commitment while their counterparts have shied away. On the other hand, ‘Paradise’ lasts about 18 days, so these couples have been together maybe 10 days??? I’ve had a longer relationship with my new toothpaste.
HOPE FOR US ALL
Bachelor in Paradise success story Jade and Tanner return to check up on the current couples. I wonder if Emily thinks they’re perfect because they’re beautifully condescending. After handing out tons of side eye, they hand out their date card to Jared and Caila, who go to make out under waterfalls before Chris Harrison crowns them with tiaras and lets them sail away on a unicorn. Ashley says many things, without openly sobbing, which I take as progress.
Meanwhile Carly questions everything about Evan’s manhood, sexuality, game, swag, and his credit score. She is repaid by getting another terrible date with Evan. She goes to get a spiritual baptism by
fire water. Evan stares into her with googly emoji eyes, and then they bathe each other in the company of two other men, which is what I call “Plan B.” Shockingly, this helps Carly achieve her “lady boner,” and Evan continues to provide hope for single people everywhere.