two twins enter, one leaves in a limo
Because she was raised as a princess, I want you to make her a queen of her heart. -Soraya Fletcher
JoJo’s mother stays away from the champagne bottle long enough to make this extremely coherent and sane statement to Robby. The former professional swimmer impresses JoJo’s family, which somehow gave credence to his long rambling speeches about love and hearts and commitment.
Jordan went the more obvious route: giving funny hats to her parents and her hyper-masculine brothers. They respond by calling him a playboy, which while likely accurate, draws some logical sequence blanks. Jordan somehow manages not to ask her father for permission, despite his declaration last week about how this would be the greatest moment of his life. JoJo takes this the same way you might take a phone call from an ex to get checked for STDs. She is pissed. Jordan responds by rambling as incoherently as Robby and Soraya on a personalized-wine bender, which is ironic because his sentiment actually makes sense. He wants to wait till he knows he won’t be emotionally castrated. (I get you, Jordan!)
While JoJo deliberates, the men write letters and pick rings. Robby picks out a gaudy monstrosity, while Jordan opts for the more “understated” one. I actually have a lot of questions about this.
Do they only get to pick from 5 rings?
Does the loser get to keep the ring?
Why don’t they make this part of the show? Then the contestants have a financial incentive to make it to the end, and we get to question even further if they’re here for the right reasons. Can the winner choose to keep the ring over the Bachelorette? Do I just want Bachelor Pad to be back?
Does Neil Lane know that you don’t have to encrust the band with diamonds? He knows what metal is right???
Did Neil make JoJo’s shoes? I’m just kidding! I saw gem-free portions of it. That can’t be Neil!
The two men obviously sneak letters into her room and leave a conch shell together on top. Their voiceovers play over shots of them getting ready. Let’s be real. I’d watch an entire show built upon the architectural contortions of Jordan and Robby getting their hair did, but it would probably take longer than this 3-hour finale.
JoJo sobs a lot while Robby channels The Notebook in his letter. It’s not even clear if he didn’t just lift lines directly from that script. Jojo sobs some more. I think she might be a crier. To be fair, I’m pretty sure if I were a contestant on this show, I would cry. Who doesn’t cry on this show? I would purposely dehydrate myself before a Rose Ceremony to avoid the ignominy of weeping openly in the Limo of Shame and Regret. But more importantly, Jordan asks for JoJo’s father’s permission. The happiest moment of his life comes over the phone, which seems anticlimactic.
Kudos to the Bach editors who make me briefly wonder if it won’t be Jordan; anti-kudos to my naivete. Aaaaand then… Robby steps out of the first limo. Gotta say, the man looks sharp. He launches into his speech, and JoJo lets it go on waaaaay too long. She finally, mercifully stops him, and Robby takes it like a champ. She tells him that she wanted it to be him. This is one of my least favorite lines in a rejection. You didn’t want it to be him because you didn’t pick him! I don’t tell the salad I wanted to choose it over the chicken wings because salad is terrible! In the limo Robby takes out his pocket square and presses it into his entire face like some kind of acne facial treatment.
Then Jordan steps out of the limo to walk across the rug stained with the tears and haunted memories of his rival. I wish the Bach brought that rug with them to every finale. Then Chris Harrison could wring out the tears and drink them for the strength to vanquish his enemies.
The two profess their love for each other, and it’s sweet. What can I say! We here at foxandbagels love love! (Editor’s Note: There’s only you.) The camera zooms in on Neil Lane’s name in the ring box and they disappear into the commercial break.
After the Final Rose
The ending special is insanely boring. Here are the important bits.
We still don’t know who the next Bachelor will be.
Chad throws his hat into the ring. Unfortunately, it’s full of creatine powder, which spills everywhere.
Chris Harrison doesn’t like mimosas. What? It’s juice and cheap champagne, Chris Harrison! Every Sunday I go to Marianos, a Chicago-based supermarket. By the wine department, there’s always a mimosa brunch where middle-agers and retirees drink and snack on platters. Then the brunch server leads everyone in a bacchanalic toast of “MEE-MO-SAAA!!” I have never seen such pure joy in my life. Chris Harrison, like my sister, is the enemy of joy.