Almost, Maybe Falling for You: ‘The Bachelorette’ – Fantasy Suites, The Men Tell All, and… ‘Paradise!’

Winners and Losers on ‘The Bachelorette’

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JoJo and Chad before the flaming emotional wreckage – image via ABC

FANTASY SUITE DATES

We’re late enough in the game that you can almost believe that legitimate feelings have been developed. Consequently, there are major winners and losers this week.

Loser: Luke
It’s hard to tell if Luke felt real feelings. He knew he was on thin-enough ice that he pulled JoJo aside to profess his love just before the Rose Ceremony. At the same time, he practically screamed (read: mumbled) how much his heart was hers on Hometowns. Maybe next time he can build the next girl a heart out of the tattered shreds of his own instead of flowers.

Winner: Thailand Tourism
It starts off a little dark. First, the skies open up into torrential downpours on her date with Robby before she and Jordan threaten to desecrate the sanctity of their temples. But it quickly turned around: fantastically beautiful desecrated cave temples, sandy beaches, and room service that leaves about 8 plates of sliced fruit on your bed.

Winner: The Contestants’ Dads
What is with the top two’s need to involve dads within their romance? Robby uses a note from his dad as a letter of recommendation to JoJo because that’s totally normal.

Jordan’s happiest day in his life will be the day he gets to ask permission to marry her. Not actually marry her, or have children, or grow old together–but talk to her dad. He looked even more aroused by the idea than when they were actually in the suite together.

Loser: JoJo’s Future Relationship with Jordan
JoJo is clearly not over Ben. She won’t stop talking about Ben. She clearly was shredded by Ben telling her he loves her, which is ironic because…

Loser: Chase’s Self-Esteem
JoJo makes Chase tell her he loves her. She offers him the fantasy suite and then tells him she can’t. I finished turning on Ben last season when he let JoJo spill out all her feelings for him before rejecting her. And now she does the same.

(Also, why can’t I stop talking about Ben? Am I not over him?? Moving on!)

THE MEN TELL ALL

We need to hurry up because this column is starting to take as long as 4 hours of the Bach. Only we need to pause for something even more important, more earth-shattering, more world-defining. That’s right: Paradise.

Let’s parse the three minute trailer of the coming season.


7 REASONS WHY ‘BACHELOR IN PARADISE’ IS THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN CULTURE

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Jared and Ashley I. looking shockingly great together – image via ABC

CHAD
Chad vs. Chris Harrison!
Chad vs. Daniel the Canadian Serial Killer!
Chad vs. Evan! (but not really, there’s no way Evan was actually lying on that gurney because of Chad)

THE RETURN OF LACE
Let’s just say that your intrepid writer loves Lace. Her physical beauty is matched only by her inner insanity. And we have so much in common! Like our poor decision-making and our even worse decision-making. There is zero possibility she will disappoint.

JARED, CAILA, ASHLEY I. LOVE TRIANGLE
Can someone explain why Jared is going on this show? Jared, stop tarnishing your brand as everyday decent guy with atrocious hair by continuing to show up. If he had just managed to suck up his pride, he could have married Jade instead of Tanner. How often do you believe Jared thought about that last season? 3 times? 3 dozen? A billion?

The same goes for Caila, shampoo model and constant mover–she was passed over as the Bachelorette and decided it was okay to go on Paradise?

Human Kardashian doll Ashley I. makes perfect sense on this show. Never leave. I want you and Lace to make insane tears together until the inevitable heat death of the universe.

NICK VIALL, PROFESSIONAL BACHELOR CONTESTANT
Nick’s smarmy face rises out of the lagoon like a shark fin. You are the Joffrey of this show. I hate you but can’t look away.

TWINS EMILY AND HALEY
Despite the gimmickry of casting twins on Ben’s season, the twins brought real mean girl, creepy twin-shtick along with unbelievably sweet naivete. They were 22-going-on-15, and they are a Three’s Company episode waiting to happen.

ASHLEY I. HUNTING NORMAL HUMAN BEING WELLS
Despite Jared’s rejection, Ashley I. has turned to the next best thing: sickly radio D.J. Wells who famously failed to kiss JoJo. Whatever you want to say about Ashley I., you can at least say she has solid taste. Which is why she kills after mating.

 WHOEVER SLEEPS WITH DANIEL THE CANADIAN SERIAL-KILLER
I don’t know who you are you brave and deranged soul. But God-willing, you’ll escape with your life and all your hair.

(Winner: America)


Back to our regularly scheduled programming!

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“You fell asleep with a mimosa and a robe on!” (‘Paradise’) – image via ABC

Loser: Evan
Revealed to be what he was, a guy who picks fights with bigger guys and then cries fouls. Chad is an insane human being and blackmailer, but he wasn’t wrong about Evan.

Loser: Luke
I’ve been a defender of Luke for a long time, but I found his answers to be so canned and disingenuous, going on and on about how he was grateful for JoJo to let him learn to love again. I’ve never seen such shameless campaigning to be the next Bach. Then again, he also had a giant flower heart made and rides around on horses at sunset, so maybe he’s just like a bad romance novel all the time.

Winner: Vinny
It’s always the worst when the barber has a bad haircut and a worse name. But it’s revealed that Vinny actually has a personality with new and improved hair! Then his mom shows up to scold JoJo for not choosing him. Vinny stock at an all time high!

Loser: Derek’s Pocket Square
Chad said it all.

Loser: Progressive Values
Let’s see: Chad calling Grant “Darryl”, everything else Chad said, seducing other contestants’ ex-girlfriends, St. Nick’s thrown gauntlet to fight, everything Alex said, and the entire argument about how people were being sensitive little bitches. I mean it goes on for a long time. But then again, this is The Bachelor franchise. You didn’t exactly come here for progressive gendered, racial, and cultural values.

Winner: Progressive Values
Let’s wrap up on a positive note! Men embracing their sensitivity while picking flowers to represent themselves. We should do this every season.

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