Last week, Alex was eliminated after declaring his love after one equine-themed date in Argentina. Not since my entire life have I seen a man named Alex have his attempts at light physical contact and mutual affection with a woman be so thoroughly rejected. But tonight’s episode is not about any of that: it’s hometowns!
Early on, all I can think about how Zero-Personality Chase is definitely going to be eliminated, outside of the Robby-themed scandal that has been teased so often. In a massive upset, Chase shockingly reveals himself to have a real past and actual feelings. Hey, ABC, can we get a little more of that? It’s nice to see actual personality buried deep beneath that thin layer of skin cells.
His little moment with his mom was legitimately affecting. Once again, I can’t help but marvel that white people have such open, candid conversations that might even be emotionally healthy. Chase’s sister is practically spilling out all of her emotional traumas to a national audience, and she hasn’t even been acclimating to cameras for six weeks. The difference between a media-coached family and an uncoached one is going to become incredibly apparent in the next segment.
I wish Jordan didn’t come off as such a decent guy because I would love to hate him. Here’s a hint to former quarterbacks: stop taking your dates back to your high school. I would make some kind of joke about putting your varsity jacket on them, but I feel like that’s a real possibility for The Bachelorette. It just makes me sad. You know what’s even better? Making out while surrounded by a photographic shrine of your estranged celebrity brother? Luckily for Jordan, he’s the obvious frontrunner.
My favorite part is the two chairs at the dinner table. I’m going to assume the producers put those there, because you know what I don’t love? Putting out empty chairs as metaphorical memorials to all the broken relationships I have. I put out the normal person’s symbolic equivalent of that. They’re called shot glasses.
JoJo seems to shockingly be into Robby, which is incredible because she had to pick him out among a group of many identical men. Is this what it’s like to date triplets and one Luke? I also wonder what would happen if I was on the show. Would it be a slow series of methodically whittling away various racial groups before dating half a dozen identical women? I’m getting a complex just thinking about this. Let’s move on.
Robby’s mom drops the bomb that his ex’s roommate is spreading rumors he left his ex to go be on the show. Sometimes my mom and I also braid each other’s hair and share gossip, too! He immediately goes to interrupt his sisters’ conversation with JoJo to tell her. I try not to think about how incredibly naive it is that I actually sort of believe him. Or at least, I believe he believes himself. But JoJo doesn’t because she’s clearly been damaged in the past. Good, JoJo! Pain is your friend! It is the one true teacher!
What was strange about this episode of the Bach was that it suspended itself briefly to have a 20 minute Marlboro commercial starring Luke. He rides around on a horse silhouetted against the sunset, then lassos JoJo before leading her to a field strewn with flower petals in the shape of a giant heart before smoking a pack. Okay, Luke only did one of those things. The Bach interns did the other. Seriously though, if I were JoJo, I would be demanding to see footage of Luke on his knees scattering petals handful by handful.
But it’s clear that Luke is going to end up the next Bachelor. Just thinking about his cowboy hat-wearing dad almost crying and telling him about how he’s proud his son served his country and trusts him is making my place a little dusty. Excuse me: I’ve got something in my eye. Also, I have to go enlist. And smoke a cigarette.
Aaaaaand, we’re back!
I like Luke, so it’s too bad when JoJo says in the confessional that she has to send him home. (Side note: What happens to that giant flower heart? Do the interns clean it up? Does it just blow away in the wind? Do they film that in time-lapse so they can intercut it with Luke’s eventual exit in the Limo of Tears and Shame?)
I’m legitimately surprised even though I pegged him for going in the last 3 or 4. But Luke ends up asking to talk to her right before the first rose. Come on Luke, I thought you were better than that game-playing! Except it seems to maybe work because Jojo runs off to have a mini-breakdown. Then they cut to the “to be continued” sign to hook me because my watching 90 minutes of boring, identical men go to private concerts and professing their fast-falling love hasn’t already signaled my intense self-loathing and commitment to this show.
Fantasy Suites! And the Men Tell All! Lots of Chad!
5 things I want to see next week:
Each contestant should have to give a PowerPoint presentation on why they should move onto the Fantasy Suite. You’re telling me you wouldn’t watch that over some bad hot tub banter and a fade to black?
In the _____ Tell All specials, we only ever want to hear from like 3 contestants. No time for clips packages. I really just want to watch a buddy comedy starring Chad and Friendly Canadian Serial-Killer Daniel.
Host #2 and 3 simultaneously!
Gather all the male relatives of Chase, Jordan, and Robby with them and see if JoJo can pick the three of them out of a lineup.
Skip this boring season and go straight to The Bachelor.